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>>>> NEWS - INFOS & LAST MINUTES <<<<
Introduction to Landytown - Please read first!
The comedy store where jokes are aplenty
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Cooper



Joined: 19 Mar 2010
Posts: 12822


Location: Dreamin' of the ocean.

PostPosted: Sat Apr 29, 2017 11:11 pm    Post subject:  Reply with quote

The Police have found a large number of dead crows on the A92 just outside Kirkcaldy early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts. However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with motorbikes, while only 2% were killed by cars.
The investigators then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of motorbike kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah", not a single one could shout "bike"
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v8offroad



Joined: 03 May 2011
Posts: 983


Location: Redruth Cornwall

PostPosted: Wed May 03, 2017 7:30 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

You will not believe what just happened... I stopped at petrol Garage this morning as i needed to get some milk and as I walked up, I noticed 2 police officers watching some bloke who was smoking while refuelling (really?!)  I saw him and thought, what is he doing? Anyway, I went in and got my milk and and as I was paying, I heard screaming and looked outside... the guy's arm was on fire! He was swinging his arm and running around going crazy!! I ran outside and watched the police put him on the floor and were putting the fire out with their coffees! LOL, YES, THEIR COFFEES . They then handcuffed him and threw him in the back of the police car. I thought what an absolute dumb arse shouldn't have been smoking near the pump while getting petrol!!! So being the inquisitive person I am, I asked the police officers why they were arresting him... the police man looked me dead in my eyes and said




"FOR WAVING A FIREARM!!!".
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v8offroad



Joined: 03 May 2011
Posts: 983


Location: Redruth Cornwall

PostPosted: Wed May 10, 2017 10:23 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A scouse girl goes to the welfare office to register for child benefit. "How many children?" asks the welfare officer. "Ten" replies the scouser, "Ten?" says the welfare worker. "What are their names?" "Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan,Nathan, Nathan, Nathan, Nathan and Nathan" replies the scouser. "Doesn't that get confusing?" "Naah..." says the scouse girl, "It's great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout 'Nathan yer dinner's ready!' or ''Nathan go to bed now!' and they all do it. "What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the curious welfare worker. "That's easy," says the scouse girl...




"I just use their surnames"
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Bigjohn



Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Posts: 7378


Location: Southampton UK

PostPosted: Wed May 17, 2017 12:47 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Three women who work in the same office notice that their female boss has started leaving work early every day.

One day they decide that after she leaves, they’ll take off early, too. After all, she never calls or comes back, so how is she to know?

The brunette is thrilled to get home early. She does a little gardening, watches a movie and then goes to bed early.

The redhead is elated to be able to get in a quick workout at her health club before meeting a dinner date.

The blonde is also very happy to be home early, but as she goes upstairs she hears noises coming from her bedroom. She quietly opens the door a crack and is mortified to see her husband in bed with HER BOSS!

Ever so gently, she closes the door and creeps out of her house.

The next day, the brunette and the redhead talk about leaving early again, but when they ask the blonde if she wants to leave early also, she exclaims, “NO WAY! I almost got caught yesterday!”
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v8offroad



Joined: 03 May 2011
Posts: 983


Location: Redruth Cornwall

PostPosted: Mon Jun 05, 2017 6:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

British Army Answerphone
Thank you for calling the British Army. I'm sorry, but all our units are out at the moment, or are otherwise engaged.
Please leave a message with your country, name of organisation, the region, the specific crisis and a number at which we can call you.
As soon as we have sorted out Kosovo, Bosnia, Macedonia, Serbia, Iraq, Sierra Leone, The Congo, marching up and down bits of tarmac in London and compulsory health and safety at work training, we will return your call.
Please speak after the tone or, if you require more options, listen to the following
If your crisis is small and close to the sea, press 1 for the Royal Marines.
If your concern is distant, with a tropical climate, good hotels and can be solved by one or two low-risk bombing runs, please press 2 for the Royal Air Force. (Please note that this service is not available after 1630 or at weekends.)
If your enquiry concerns a situation which can be resolved by a warship, some bunting, flags, a damn good cocktail party and a first class marching band, please write, well in advance, to the First Sea Lord, The Royal Navy, Whitehall, London SW1.
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LandyAndy



Joined: 21 Mar 2010
Posts: 19619


Location: Wishin I was a Fishin

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An English gentleman is driving to work.
A carload of rag heads pass him almost running him off the road.They are yelling allsorts of Islamic threats.
They run a red light right in front of him,a double decker bus hits the car killing them outright.
Next morning he is driving to work,as he approaches the same set of lights he stops for the red light,he is going over the previous mornings events thinking gees that could have been me..............









Now,how do I get a job driving a double decker!!!!!
Andrew
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Dakar



Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Posts: 29351


Location: East Sussex or Mendip

PostPosted: Mon Jun 12, 2017 11:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote


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v8offroad



Joined: 03 May 2011
Posts: 983


Location: Redruth Cornwall

PostPosted: Sat Jun 17, 2017 4:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

End-of-Week Stock Market Report


Helium is up and Feathers are down. Paper is stationary while Escalators continue their slow decline. The Raisin market has dried up and Toilet Paper has reached a new bottom.
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Dakar



Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Posts: 29351


Location: East Sussex or Mendip

PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 12:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote


Nicked it for another forum.
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PR
Moderator


Joined: 08 Oct 2009
Posts: 3955


Location: South Glos for a while!

PostPosted: Mon Jun 19, 2017 3:40 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

BJ put this up on another forum and it really made me laugh!

I'm not snoring!
I'm dreaming I'm a tractor!
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1998 300Tdi Auto Discovery. Now gone, but will be remembered for ever!
2008 Auto Freelander 2 gone!
2013 Auto  Freelander 2 SD4
Toylander 1. On the road
Check our blog out
http://paullizlifeontheopenroad.blogspot.com/
Updated 11/05/17
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